Why You Shouldn’t File Your Own Divorce

Can you handle your own divorce? Maybe. Was your marriage short, with no children or assets? Do you have plenty of free time to look up things in a legal library, find out how and where to get the forms you need, and go to court? In this case, you might be able to file for divorce yourself.

But in most circumstances, filing for divorce is messy, complicated, and fraught with emotion. You don’t need the added stress of trying to get all the paperwork right. Here are 10 times you definitely need a divorce attorney to help you file for divorce:

  1. filing for divorceYou have a child under 18
  2. Your marriage lasted longer than a year or two
  3. You’re already arguing about how to split things up
  4. Child, domestic, drug, or alcohol abuse is a factor
  5. You think your spouse is hiding assets from you
  6. You’re in a same-sex marriage
  7. You and your spouse own a business together
  8. One of you is bankrupt, or together you have more than $15,000 in debt
  9. One of you is in the military
  10. Together, your assets total $30,000 or more (house, car, etc.)

DIY Divorce Might Actually Cost You More

People consider DIY divorce to save money, but it can actually cost you more if you make a mistake. Do you want to risk messing up your child’s financial well-being, or your taxes, for the next decade? If your divorce isn’t extremely straightforward, a unhappy couple after fightdivorce lawyer will be an invaluable help. You cannot possibly know every consequence of every action taken in a divorce, but this is what we are trained to think about.

The truth is, there are a lot of forms to fill out, and they’re confusing. This isn’t something simple like buying a car. If you make an error or miscalculate something, it could have unintended financial consequences, whether it’s paying too much to your ex for spousal or child support or not getting your fair share of property. It could even have more serious consequences, like giving you less quality time with your children than you otherwise would have gotten. Whatever your final agreements are, you’ll be legally bound to carry them out — even if you find down the road that they aren’t fair. Have you considered absolutely everything, including who will pay for your two-year-old’s college, and how retirement funds factor in?

Mistakes mean you’ll have to go back to court and invest more time and money in this process. A divorce lawyer will ensure you get it right the first time.

How a Divorce Lawyer Helps

Although this may be your first divorce and everything is new and overwhelming, this is far from our first divorce case. The attorneys at Holtey Law in Portland practice family law exclusively and have handled hundreds of divorce cases over the years. We’re experts at helping our clients through this process. We know the latest developments in divorce law, and we know what to expect from the court system, particularly in the tri-county area. We often work with mediators and other professionals to help our clients resolve their disputes amicably, but we are not afraid to take a case to trial if the situation calls for it.

Let Us Help You

You shouldn’t have to go through one of life’s hardest experiences alone. We want to help you get through your divorce with your dignity and finances intact. Contact us today to get help filing your divorce.

Call 503-224-9878 or email

Children and Divorce: 8 Ways to Help Kids Cope

Divorce is painful enough without kids in the picture. When kids are in the picture, it can get even more complicated.  Here’s your guide to helping your kids cope.

children and divorceWhen you’re feeling defensive, angry, and hurt, it’s tempting to use your children as messengers: asking them for information about your spouse, making them relay information, and pitting them against the other parent, especially if custody has not yet been decided.

Don’t feel guilty about these inclinations–they’re completely natural–but don’t act on them, either. Your child is already upset, confused, and worried about the future. In some (heartbreaking) cases, they are worried that they somehow caused their parents to split.  Try to be empathetic instead of spiteful. You don’t have to pretend everything is okay, but limit what you say about the divorce to honest, age-appropriate information that your kids need to know.  Children instinctively know that they are half mom and half dad–when you put down the other parent, you are indirectly putting your child down as well.

1. Stay Involved

Divorce can be scary for children. They wonder whether you still love them and whether you’ll still be a part of their lives. It’s absolutely vital that you don’t disappear on them. You may want to retreat into solitude, which has its time and place, but don’t skip the school play or parent-teacher conferences just to avoid your soon-to-be-ex. Disappearing will only reinforce your children’s fears. In the same vein, don’t pout or withdraw when your children leave to be with their other parent. It’s hard, but try to stay positive and encourage your child to continue a relationship with both parents.

2. No Bad-Mouthing

Talk to your spouse beforehand about what to tell your kids about the divorce. Agree on how to describe the situation. If possible, talk to your child together, and speak respectfully of each other. Avoid blaming your spouse, even if infidelity occurred. Huffington Post challenges, “Set a goal to share one positive thing a day about their other parent. It can be difficult, but it can be done.”  Make it clear that your child did nothing to contribute to your decision to divorce.

All your children really need to know is that you and your spouse have decided to part ways, but that does not affect your love for your children, and you’ll still be there for them. Get your anger out with a professional therapist, divorce support group, or trusted friend, not your son or daughter.

3. Try Mediation

Mediation can be a helpful and peaceful way to come to an agreement on issues like parenting and custody. Many counties have mandatory mediation for these issues if you and your spouse disagree. If you don’t want the court to determine your parenting plan, you and your spouse will need to create one.  The standard for creating a parenting plan is keeping the best interests of the children in mind. This varies a lot based on the child’s age, schedule, relationship with parents, and personal needs.  During a divorce, children generally do not have a say in the parenting plan or who has custody of them. In some cases, however, it may be appropriate to appoint an attorney for your child so they can have a say in custody and parenting time decisions.

4. Take Care of Yourself

Being a good parent starts with self-care. Even though your life has been turned upside down, do your best to get enough sleep, eat healthy, get exercise, and stay connected with friends and family. divorce-self-care-childrenDon’t forget to pamper yourself, pursue hobbies you love, and simply relax.  If your children see that you are taking care of yourself, even in this difficult time, they will learn to take care of themselves, too.

Research shows that talking about ourselves makes us feel better–so enlist a social worker or professional counselor to get all of your negative feelings out in a safe place. Or keep a journal. Most of all, be patient and gentle with yourself; remember that healing takes time.  It is not a bad idea to consider therapy for your child as well, as they may need someone to talk to about the whirlwind of feelings they are experiencing.

5. Be an Emotional Role Model

A divorce proceeding is a new and stressful event for a child. They are constantly looking to their parents to see how they should be reacting to all of these uncertain events. If you blow up at a text message that your spouse sent you or cry every night, children will take these cues and learn that this is how they should be reacting, too. It is important to be calm and contemplative in response to emotional triggers during divorce. This doesn’t mean you need to turn off your emotions completely–it just means that you must evaluate how your response to a trigger will affect your child.  Saying, “Your father sent me a message that upset me a little bit, but I’ll be okay,” is much better for your child’s adjustment than yelling, crying, and blaming. In the long run, such a response will be better for you, too.

6. Provide Structure and Clarity

During a divorce, kids need structure and routine even more than usual. Give them a schedule so they know what to expect as much as possible, and stick to normal bedtimes and curfews. Explain who will pick them up from school, who’ll take them to activities, and where they’ll spend the next holiday. Even if you don’t have all the details worked out yet, the knowledge you do have will make them feel safer and more prepared. Just make sure you keep information blame-free.

Talk to your spouse about how to maintain consistency in your two households. You may want to bend the rules for your children because divorce is stressful on all of you, but your kids actually need boundaries more than ever to make them feel safe.

7. Enjoy Time with Your Child

children-divorce-playingAs much as possible, have fun with your children, rather than using them as your therapist or stewing in negative feelings. Keep doing things they love. Play and goof around. Hug your child and say “I love you” often. Reassure younger children that even though you and your spouse are divorcing, that doesn’t change your relationship with your kids, and the divorce was not their fault. Children need to hear this over and over!

When your kids act upset, ask them how they’re feeling about the divorce, listen, and create a space for honest, open discussion. Acknowledge their emotions and tell them you understand, even though you can’t necessarily fix their sadness. This will foster trust and help you maintain a good relationship moving forward.

8. Cooperate with Your Divorce Attorney

A long, drawn-out custody battle can emotionally scar your children. Rather than nitpicking, try to cooperate during arbitration or mediation so you and your children can get on with your lives. As Parents magazine attests, “Research has found that the most poorly adjusted kids of divorce are those exposed to ongoing parental battles.” In other words, such a battle can leave children feeling insecure and makes them more prone to difficulties such as depression and anxiety later in life.  Being civil with your spouse and refusing to insult him or her in front of your kids is one of the best things you can do for them.

Are you going through a divorce with children? The attorneys at Holtey Law specialize in all areas of family law, including child custody and parenting time. We have the expertise and empathy that can help you through this difficult time.

Contact Portland’s best divorce attorneys today — call us at 503-224-9878 or use our contact form.

Photos: Davide Cassanello, Brandy, Phalinn Ooi

Help! My Spouse Filed for Divorce and I Don’t Know What To Do!

Did you get served with divorce papers or see your spouse’s divorce notice in the newspaper? Don’t panic. Whether it was something you and your spouse had been discussing or it came as a surprise, seeing those divorce papers can be upsetting and overwhelming. Here’s what you need to know and do next.

Divorce: The Big Picture

First, keep in mind that it does not matter whether you are the petitioner (the person who filed for divorce) or the respondent (the other party) — your title in the case will not affect your legal rights. In other words, your spouse is not in a better position because he or she is the one who filed for divorce. Our clients sometimes have a hard time believing this, but it’s true!

Oregon has “no-fault divorce,” meaning one spouse does not need to prove the other cheated or is otherwise at fault for breaking up the marriage. The reason for your divorce, or “dissolution of marriage” in legalese, will be listed on your spouse’s Petition as due to irreconcilable differences. You will not be seen as in the wrong because your spouse filed for divorce, not you.

Once you are served with divorce papers, the court enjoins you from making any major purchases or other expenditures, canceling or changing the terms of your family insurance (including life, health, auto, or homeowner/rental), or disposing of any property in which your spouse may have an interest. Your finances and other official records and documentation will come under scrutiny, so don’t make any big moves or do anything that might be viewed as suspicious.


Divorce Fees & Timeline

Once you are served divorce papers, you have 30 days to file a response with the court, and this deadline is firm. Contact a divorce lawyer in Portland within the first 10 days, if at all possible. Our consultations are completely confidential.

Depending on your and your spouse’s circumstances, the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage will cover such things as custody of minor children, child support, spousal support, division of debts, and division of property. Your response will simply set out what you agree with and disagree with in your spouse’s Petition–you do not need to get into the nitty gritty details of any of these topics or propose a resolution.  If you neglect to file a response within the 30-day window, your spouse could have his or her demands met on day 31 by filing for a default order and a default judgment against you.  Setting aside a default judgment is not impossible, but it is an avoidable hassle, so it’s best to respond within the 30-day deadline.

In addition to a response, you will have to pay an initial filing fee for your “first appearance” in the case.  As of August 2014, this fee is $273 for all Oregon counties. Check how much your county’s divorce fees are here.  If you feel that you cannot pay this fee, you can request a fee waiver form at the courthouse.

Going to Court

From here, a court date will be set. In the meantime, look out for any hearings on temporary issues or other matters that might occur before the court date–your spouse should have served this paperwork on you as well. Other events that may take place after your response is filed but before the case is resolved might include mediation, involving a custody evaluator, or taking a parenting class.  Each case is very different.

In the event that you and your spouse disagree on who should have custody of your minor children or what each parent’s time with the children should be, courts in many counties will require you to participate in mediation.  This is a free session with a professional mediator to help you and your spouse come to an agreement on these issues. Remember that you do not have to agree with the mediator or your spouse. You will not be penalized if you and your spouse are unable to come to a resolution in mediation.


Finalizing the Divorce

At the end of the case, a judge will sign a document that finalizes everything, including custody and parenting time issues, division of property, division of debt, child or spousal support, insurance, and any other issues in the case.  This document is called a Judgment of Dissolution of Marriage. At this point, the judge may also restore your legal name before you got married, if you so desire.

An excellent Portland divorce lawyer, like those at Holtey Law, can help you navigate the confusing and often painful process of dissolving a marriage, both with expert legal insight and sensitivity to your needs. Divorce is almost always difficult, but with knowledgeable legal counsel, the process will go a lot more smoothly.

Have you been served divorce papers and need help? Learn more about Holtey Law’s divorce attorneys and contact us to get started with a consultation.

Related Reading:

Photos: Sharyn Morrow, John Moore

Divorce vs. Separation: Understanding the Difference

When you and your spouse begin to drift apart, you might start to consider steps you need to take to either reconcile or end the relationship.  In particular, you may wonder what is most appropriate for your situation: divorce or legal separation?



A divorce cuts all legal ties between spouses that arise out of the marriage.  It has the effect of ending the accumulation of “marital assets” (a classification given to property acquired during the marriage, of which equitable division between the spouses can be made) and causing an automatic revocation of certain beneficiary designations and estate planning documents that benefit your spouse, among other things.

In contrast, a legal separation merely suspends the effect of the marriage with regard to cohabitation.  In other words, the parties’ obligation to live together as husband and wife is suspended, but the marriage itself remains legally intact.  The legal separation process is nearly identical to that for obtaining a divorce.  Even though a judgment of legal separation may include such topics as property division, spousal and child support, and custody of children, the parties will continue to accumulate marital assets and will not have the same breadth of protection from each other’s poor financial decisions after separation.  This is because even with a judgment of legal separation, the law allows either party to seek a divorce down the road, and at that time the judge has the authority to rearrange awards of property and change the responsibility among the parties for who pays what debts.  Whether a judge will do so depends on a number of factors, including how the legal separation judgment was written in the first place and what, if any, unexpected events have occurred since then.

When is Legal Separation Appropriate?


Many people attempt to use separation as a way to keep open the possibility of reconciling with their spouse.  However, it rarely accomplishes this goal.  If you are not sure about ending your relationship, the best thing you can do for you and your spouse is to pursue professional couples counseling.  This will help you decide whether you truly want to walk away from the relationship.  However, there are a few good reasons to opt for a legal separation instead of a divorce.

Religious Beliefs

One of these situations is when spouses want a divorce in everything but name due to their religious beliefs.  If these spouses understand the legal differences between a legal separation and a divorce, legal separation may be the answer to accomplish their most important goals.

Failure to Meet Statutory Residency Requirements

To file for divorce, a party must have lived in Oregon for at least 6 months.  However, this is not the case in filing for legal separation.  Therefore, another limited circumstance in which legal separation is appropriate is when a spouse needs a support or custody order in a relatively short amount of time but hasn’t lived in Oregon long enough to meet the residency requirements for a divorce.  In this instance, the spouse can file for and obtain legal separation, including custody or support orders.  They can then convert the case into a divorce fairly inexpensively when the residency requirement has been met (within two years of entry of the legal separation judgment).

A Note About Health Insurance and Income Tax


There are also some circumstances in which a legal separation may seem beneficial, but this may not be the case.  One of these involves health insurance.  Sometimes, a spouse chooses to seek a legal separation in the hope that he or she will be able to remain covered by the other spouse’s medical insurance.  In fact, many medical, automobile, and life insurance policies treat legal separation the same as divorce; be sure to check policy rules before assuming you will still be protected.  The same may be true of income tax laws.  It is advisable to consult with your CPA or tax preparer to learn the consequences of a legal separation as compared to a divorce.

Seek the Advice of Legal Counsel

The legal professionals at Holtey Law, LLC have years of experience navigating the murky waters of both divorce and legal separation.  They can give you the advice and emotional support you need to decide for yourself what course of action is best for your situation. Contact them today!

You may also want to check out our other blog posts on Children and Divorce , The Emotional Ride in Divorce, and What to do When Your Spouse Files for Divorce.

Further Reading:

I Have Been Served Divorce Papers. What Now?

What do I do if I have been served divorce paperwork by my spouse, or I know he or she has filed or will file for divorce?

You have only 30 days to Respond

Once you have been served, you have 30 days to file a Response with the court. In a divorce action, this deadline is more important than ever. While not so long ago, there was a 90-day waiting period in divorce cases, which has been done away with. What this means is that if you fail to file a Response, your spouse could proceed with having the divorce finalized, obtaining all his or her requested relief on that 31st day.

It is highly recommended that within the first 10 days of being served that you consult with an experienced attorney specializing in family law.

Initial Prep Work

Begin gathering basic financial information, including

  • last couple years’ tax returns
  • current paystubs
  • recent statements for retirement and investment accounts
  • credit card statements

If you have access to it, gather this information for your spouse’s accounts as well. Bring whatever you have had time to gather to that first appointment with your attorney, along with all of the documents you were served with.

Property Restraining Order

Once you have been served with divorce papers, an automatic property restraining order goes into place (ORS 107.089). Some of the rules are straightforward: do not remove your spouse as a beneficiary on any life insurance accounts, for instance. Others are more complicated, such as whether you are restrained from buying a new car or transferring money from a joint savings account. You will want to ask your attorney about what you are permitted to do.

Joint Accounts

If you share joint financial accounts with your spouse, watch them carefully. If your spouse were to suddenly withdraw a large amount of funds, for instance, you may be advised to obtain a specific property restraining order. If you have joint accounts online, print off the last two years’ of account activity. We recommend this in case your spouse later cuts off your online access.

Telling the Children

“Above all, put your child first. Remember: you can love your kids or hate your spouse… but you cannot do both.”
-Natalie Gregg

In cases of divorce, speak with your spouse about how to share the news of the divorce with the children if you haven’t already.  Make promises to each other about not bad-talking the other parent to the children or trying to manipulate them in the process.